my head hurts

I'm having problems with my dad, it's been so god knows since when... oh, i know, it's been so since the day I graduated from college and came back home to stay... i don't know how or why, but he has this very fixed notion that my graduation day would be his retirement day, as in, FULL retirement. Well, he was definitely and still is, and more and more so as days go by, very disappointed about me not being able to make his dream come true...

Graduating from college simply means that I'm going to be fucking broke for quite some time, with all those 4 years of overseas expenditure. Graduating from a american arts college with a major in visual communications, with a dream of becoming a succesful designer, in this art-forsaken country known as singapore.... is not going to make me financially well-off overnight...

He always thought very highly of other people's children, how capable they are, how smart they are, how filial they are, how good they are... he always envied those people, how lucky they are to have such good children... and he always made sure I hear every single of those stories he tells, and the way he tells it, you don't even need to feel it, you can just see it on his face...

He never had any comments about anything I do or have done, especially much so now... with me trying to get things going on my own... i think the sight of me being constantly busy in my room with my computer annoys him more than anything else in this world... he doesn't get it, or refuses to get it... more the latter I think... What's the big deal, will be the kind of response you'll get from his behaviour and body language... the funny thing is, i'm suppose to have taken his artistic genes or whatever... but so much negativity... it makes you doubt alot about everything in your life...

The water is boiling.. he's at the sink, less than 5 feet away from the stove... he shouts out to me that MY water is boiling.. I'm busy at work in my room... so I guess we should start labeling whose water is whose... I walk to the kitchen... he's still by the sink... the kettle is still whistling away... and I turn it off...

The phone is ringing... my mum's busy cooking in the kitchen... I'm in the bathroom ... he's reading newspapers in the dining room, the phone in the living room is still ringing, he gives a very irritated grunt and slams down his papers on the table... still doesn't get up to pick up the phone... my mum is shouting for someone to pick up the damn phone... the phone stops ringing... why doesn't he pick up the phone, you'd ask... because its NOT HIS PHONE CALL, is the reply you'd get...

something has gone wrong somewhere here... don't know when and don't know why, and worst of all, don't know how to fix it.... and maybe if i knew, i probably am not in the position to fix anything...

whenever i tried to reason out with him, hell will break loose, with my sarcasm and temper... nowadays, I just count to 100 and take deep breaths... just short answers of yes or no or really or oh... still not working... seems to be making it worse somehow... we'll see.. tomorrow's my birthday, so i may be in a better mood to deal with everything damn thing...